Daily Tarot - 8/16/20
Card of highest and greatest good I needed to see today: nine of wands reversed. I do feel exhausted and wonder whether fighting so hard is really worth it. But what exactly am I fighting so hard against?
Clarification card: eight of cups; advice card: three of swords. So I feel like I need to let go of something but what? Anger maybe?
What am I holding on to so tightly that I need to let go of?: the sun. My childhood? I’m already in therapy?
My reflexive compassion? I need to stop being so willing to help others and help myself instead?
My negative thought patterns? But I’m trying!!! I think this is the one though. So I’m going to try to be more proactive about positivity, I guess.
I feel disconnected to my cards because I feel like I haven’t understood any of the messages I’ve gotten the past few days. I tried to purify them but I think I shouldn’t have because I feel like it yanked the connection I’d been building and now my cards and I are strangers. Nothing feels like it fits me. I feel like I have to reach and contort in order to figure out what the cards mean. And I keep feeling like I’m reaching the wrong conclusions also. Maybe I’ll ask Jess to do a reading for me because I’m really starting to get upset with feeling like my cards don’t know me anymore. It makes me want to stop using them.
And now I’m crying. And I can’t even try to make myself stop because I’m supposed to be experiencing my emotions. I don’t understand what’s happening!!!!!!
Okay, I think the crying was to show me what I’m supposed to be letting go of. Negative thought patterns learned in childhood. Because first, the urge to make myself stop was strong. I had to fight to just let the emotions flow and not try to suppress anything. I had to block out the voice that said crying doesn’t solve anything. And the voice that said nobody likes crybabies. And the voice that insisted I’m not someone who cries about stuff. And the teeny tiny voice that said if I want to keep crying, I’ll get something to cry about. I guess anger isn’t the only emotion I need to learn to express.